My Perfect Relationship (Today on: Most certainly non existent things)

While I know that the reality of dating world is something like

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Yet,I do dream of a perfect relationship.

And in this post I will tell you a little something about that.

Now, let me just preface this by saying that if some parts of this post seem “un-feministic” then I apologize in advance.I am a big believer of feminism and I do not need a hero to save my damsel ass (although the universe is witness; if someone needs saving , ‘my damsel ass’ will emerge as a very strong candidate BUT  I know that relationship is not the way to go. It’s gotta be all the Self healing kinda BS)

So the things I will describe here will be just what I want ;although I am completely aware that I will most definitely not be getting that and probably such a person doesn’t even exist but girl’s gotta dream right?

In no particular order here we go,

  1. Abstract Touches- I don’t know about anyone else but if my partner randomly touches me (in a completely non sexual kind of way) you can see my entire body blushing from impact. It’s a bonus if they are also doing absentmindedly and not realizing it themselves, I mean it’s like the cutest thing. It throws my totally nerdy and on some level my hopeless romantic mind to those hopelessly romantic lines like ” He touched her randomly now and again, just to make sure that she was real and here with him which was the biggest miracle of them all” . Now I am certain 99.9% of the time I wouldn’t even feel that much for them but for that one millisecond I will be the biggest miracle of them all and that’s a feeling worth holding on to.
  2.  Memes- Now, I am millennial and hence obviously no relation will be complete        without the mention of one of the greatest inventions of our time( Yes, it is one of the greatest and Yes, I will fight with you if you say otherwise). Them MEMES. Nothing will make me happier than seeing my S.O. has tagged me in a bunch of memes. Call me an meme addict but it actually serves to two amazing purposes. Firstly, You get to see new good memes.Do we even need a second? But the second one is even more great. (IKR, kinda impossible) Secondly, it means that you saw something and I came to your mind. I mean..like… Whaa.. That’s like the best thing. You think about me? That’s so cool. Thank-you man. Thank-You.
  3. Conversations- Call me old school but I would want to be with someone with whom I can talk about everything. And I mean EVERY-THING-UNDER-THE-FREAKING-SUN( Actually sometimes also beyond our solar system like other galaxies and stars and shizz but you get the point). I want to talk to them about the probable hygiene routine of the neanderthal man, about my life in a parallel universe, about every little detail of their day, about my best friend’s day, about the things that matter the most to you and me and I also want to talk to them about the times when I feel that turtles are planning to take over the world(You know they always look like they are planning something) and I want them to equally attentive both times. Nothing should be thrown out as not even worth discussing or too weird or too personal to be discussed.I want to cover the span of universe with our conversations.
  4. Let Me Know I am Not a Bother but a privilege. Now, I don’t mean it literally, but in a world where I am sometimes afraid to double text my best friend (Yes, I have that level of insecurity; also KEYWORD: Sometimes) Don’t make me feel like I am disturbing you all the time or imposing myself on you and you bear because we are going out. I understand that you can’t talk to me all the time and neither do I expect you to but just the general vibe that you are glad I texted would probably suffice.
  5. Tell me your story- By now, you should know that the nerdy girl in me shall not die. And what is it that makes nerdy girls squirm and loose control completely? You guessed it, it’s a good story. So, if you are the human I have chosen to shower with affection, I would love for nothing more than to know your story.Pull me into your backstory so much so that I feel as if I was there for all of it. Tell me about your future as if we most definitely build it together. Let me know, I am leaving a mark on your story. Make me your favourite character and I will make you mine. (I stepped into creepy a bit there didn’t I? Eh. I just really love stories okay?)
  6. My competition- Be my competition in the right things. Don’t give up all things for me because I asked or I want. Give up only those I deserve. Help me grow and Grow with me. Argue with me when you feel I am wrong,correct me, convince me.Be my competition in chugging beer, Be my competition in binge watching, Be my competition in becoming a kinder person, be my competition in making the world if only slightly better and be my competition in being weird and confusing the fuck out of people sometimes. Because I would like to do all these things and it would be infinitesimally better if you would be there to do it with me.
  7. Know Me – Now, I know this one’s going to controversial but it is what it is (*wink* quote Watson *wink*) Don’t always take what I say at face value. I will be amazingly logical in convincing myself that I don’t need help or I am totally fine and I don’t need anyone and the best part is I will believe it sincerely too. Know that these are the times I need you the most. Know me and you will know I shut people off most when I most need help. Know me and you will know the things I say I don’t want to talk about are the ones that have the power to strip me naked. Know me and you will know that most of the times you just have to push me and I will place my heart in your palm. I am most scared of you knowing me yet I probably am the only one who wants it most for you to just Know Me.

And so the mythical creature was described.

I have been and will still be in the future, in relationships that aren’t anywhere near this one because this would be my perfect relationship but not relationships have to perfect. More importantly, This is what I think I want. What I need might be a completely different story.

PS: Totally forgot, Here’s my dating resume, if you wanna recommend me to someone for “The perfect relationship”. Thanks xD

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Song Recommendation: King by Lauren Aquilina

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Tears in the Night

I have a problem.

I can’t cry in closed spaces.

Bathrooms, cubicles,onto pillows. You name it.

Unless there’s a sense of grandeur or at least a place that offers me solace and assurance that it is bigger than I am. That’s where I can cry.

Really cry I mean.

Shedding a tear or two is not really crying.

No.

Real crying is when your whole body is in so much pain that it is ready to give itself away.If you would concentrate on one part you could feel it’s need to be torn apart because how it is now, however it is, is just too painful to stay that way.

But sadly mind has the control.

It won’t let us do such ‘harm’ to ourselves as long s it’s bearable.

Mind doesn’t understand that even truly ragged clothes are held together by pieces of thread but that doesn’t make the cloth whole and healed. It doesn’t understand that it’ll be easier, more helpful even to tear the cloth apart and use the pieces to make something more useful.

Even if it can preserve those rags for some more time, they will tear apart just as they wish to. It’ll just be more painful.

Mind’s a stupid bitch.

So the body and soul take control in the only way they can.

Slowly, painfully and rather carefully they send out little pieces of flesh and bones through the only window that mind has least control over.

EYES.

They deceive the mind as often as they can; rebel against its whims most times to follow their own and lets go of pieces that were in unbearable pain to find a new destiny.

A new body probably.

And hence a new future.

That’s also why I will never cry in a closed space.

I don’t wish to deny my pieces a chance at something better. I don’t want to imprison them within small walls. I want the best for them.

I did not let them go so they’d suffer more.

I want them to go an endless place with endless possibilities.

Failing that, At least a place bigger than myself.

A place with lesser pain.

The Bad Luck Phenomena

I was top off by saying I am very scientific person. I do not believe in spiritual forces. Universal Energy maybe ( to be explained by strung theory, mind you) but nothing that I can’t see or doesn’t have a scientific explanation. I don’t even believe in God for the same reason.

I hope that clears my standpoint on things that are not logical like sunsigns or destiny or Luck. See that capitalisation? It’s not random.I do not believe that such a thing as luck exists except I do now.

See, I have been a clumsy person all my life and my parents never gave me much freedom to get some real harm done, so I thought I got hit and fell down all the time because I was clumsy and that summarised all my childhood problems and there was that.

But I am a fully functional adult now with real freedom and chance at having real fun except I rarely can. My bad luck has a nasty habit of coming in the way.

Everytime that I do anything even remotely resembling fun, the thought only has to enter my mind ‘This was a good time’ and life will push the fuck over button.

At the beginning , being the person of almost no self worth as I am, I thought that this was all my fault but I thought how come when my friends did the same things that I did, did so without any karma hit back from the universe whereas I only had to forget to put on a helmet once and get paralyzed for life from neck down only 3 mins after starting driving (metaphorically of course, I have never not worn a helmet, I am NOT giving the universe a chance)

They said I had bad luck and I refused to believe it.

I decided to extra careful and do things right but the Universe does not mess around when it “blesses” someone with bad luck.

Shit got real when I did things with extra precautions and still got screwed while my friends walked away with the most reckless (and awesomely fun) things with no repercussions.

As a person who has been struggling with depression and low self esteem for quite sometime my mind also had the much fun idea of toying around with the idea that I probably deserve all the bad luck and no fun theme party that has been going on because of who I am as person.

That my friends is when things get really bad

And sad.

So to avoid all the questioning and evaluation of self worth that comes along with the wonderful set of  coincidences which are happening to me because there is a one millionth of a chance that they can, I have decided to name it as bad luck and move on.

It is so much easier to accept and has made life much simpler.

I also seem to find comfort in the fact that bad luck has made life simpler, easier and more happier. It gives me a fake sense of control over of my life( much needed by the way).

It’s also like the last ironical punch in bad luck’s face.

 

(Please the universe, nothing I said here was meant to be taken as a challenge. Especially not the last line. Okay?  Okay.)

An open letter to the person whom I didn’t know and who committed suicide

First off I wanna make sure that you know it’s isn’t one of those you had so much to live for and you didn’t have to do it posts. It isn’t one of those you could have gotten help and it was wrong of you to do it posts. 

Even I don’t know what kind of post this is.

I might be called suicidal for writing this, for these views but rest assured if anybody is reading; it isn’t like that and I don’t need counselling for this. I am not being rude, I just don’t. It’s just something I feel and neither am I promoting or encouraging people to do suicide.

I am also not trying to make the death of a person about me. Believe me it’s be the last thing I’d want to do.

Not everything is a problem. Don’t make everything that you feel afraid of into one.

Okay? Here we go.

 

Dear person,

I hope there’s an afterlife and I hope that you come across this somehow because there are some things I’d like you to know. And know that this letter is for you and you only. No hidden meanings and no metaphors. I just wanted to talk to you and this was the only way I knew how(with the whole atheist thing I have going on)

Firstly I’m sorry that you had to go through this. I don’t know what is that happened or the so many things and happened or didn’t happen. I am truly sorry.

Also I apologize for phrasing this letter this way, to the person who committed suicide. As if that’s the only thing you did in your life.I just didn’t know how to phrase it differently.

Since I am assuming that there is an afterlife and you are around and so are reading this I am sure you heard a lot of things about you. You must have seen a lot of extreme reactions and heard numerous opinions. Opinions that were so strong and so hurtful that it made me motivated to reach out to you. I can only imagine how hurt you’d be.

I don’t think that just because you are dead people are allowed to hurt you.

I want you to know that I don’t think that you are weak. I don’t think you were a coward and I refuse to believe that you were a terrible person for doing this.I refuse to blame you for the misery that people say you caused to the people that loved you and are grieving for you now. Know that I don’t commend you for doing this. Nor am I angry or upset. Simply because I didn’t know you.

I can’t be a judge of if what you did was right or wrong. I can’t be the judge of this because I will never know what you were going through and I don’t know how much it hurt. It could have gotten better but I also know that sometimes it hurts too much to hold on.

It’s Okay.

I just wanted you to know that I know that you tried as hard as you could. You are not weak.

I want you to know that I know that you gave it everything you had and on days it was hard for you to move a finger but you still did it and You are brave for that. You are not a coward.

I wanted you to know that I am sure you tried to shield the ones you love from this tragedy  for as long as you could. I am sure you tried to be good. You’re not a terrible person.

I want you to know that I will never condemn you for causing pain to the ones that are grieving for you now. Yes, You might have scarred them. Scars that can never be healed. You might have even given some blows that might break some people. Those people might have tried to help you because they loved you and they might have nothing to do with why you did it but that doesn’t make it your responsibility to take blame for their actions. I  am sure that you would have most certainly tried to live for them but somethings you can’t help.

I believe in you for all this things because life is indeed beautiful and it takes a lot to leave it all behind. It is the most difficult thing that you must have ever had to do.

I refuse to believe that those people who are saying these things have any right to be saying them. They didn’t know how you suffered. And you don’t know how they will.

And honestly how can one person truly know the pain of another.

How can somebody even say that my pain is greater than yours?

We are all wired differently.

No one will ever know what I feel and Who I am truly.

This might all feel a whole stunt to attract attention and me being melodramatic since I didn’t know you and it shouldn’t affect me this much but it does. It does and there’s nothing that anyone can say that will make it less relevant.

All said and done, I wish it makes you feel better. Afterall just because you are dead doesn’t mean you don’t matter. Does it?

 

 

1st Post: Welcome to My Life

Ola, Hello and namaste to all.

Firstly a word about what this blog is about. It’s basically  going to be a rant platform for me. I will writing anonymously and so it’s entirely possible nobody’s reading but that’s okay because I can’t ever be sure that no-one’s not reading either. (And yes, I know you can check stats and stuff but I’ll be going a little old school and not check that). The gift of internet is that you can be anyone or you can just be yourself, no-one will know either way.It’s a transparent curtain. I can’t be judged either.

So, I’ll be talking about my life or things or feel like talking about openly without the fear of being condemned and judged and that’ll be all; in a nutshell .

So without further chit-chat.

Here’s the story and some background about my life. And don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense because sometimes it doesn’t to me either.

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Although close the door behind you. Will You?

Sooooooooooooo,

I am an 18 year old, 2nd year College student. Forced into adulthood but not quite. Because you see in India, parents never quite let you be on your own ever.(We have 2 omnipresent entities God and Parents)

I am thoroughly confused about what am I supposed to do with my life and constantly search for a purpose. But that isn’t the only thing for search for. I am constantly searching for a real talent, a superpower, a new TV series to ruin my life and the lost brother of that one lonely sock in my almriah.

I am a person who loves to know things (Ravenclaw to the core.) I reading about anything and everything. Be it Shakespeare, Galaxies, Grizzly bear, Trains, Football or even interesting things about the color of dirt in front of your house. Here some of things that I love an almost unreal amount: Terraces, the color black , things or stories related to prison and coconut flavored things.

Some other prominent talents include; Procrastination(Obvio, I am a millennial afterall), Getting an existential crisis after seeing small things, Over Thinking about things that probably don’t exist IRL and making myself sad while ignoring the very real issues of life, needing a nap like every 4 hours tbh  and (the one I believe only I am stupid enough to have) Getting bothered by problems and actions of people which have nothing to do with me.

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Now you tell me

I feel that this is getting too long and we gotta save something for later too

So. A rapid fire round. Okay?

I don’t like pizza that much.(please don’t kill me), Have a kind of screwed up relationship with my parents, want to have 4 dogs, can watch TV shows and read for the rest of my life, ‘like’ all the want to die memes on Instagram (make of that what you will), Drink and smoke weed and hash, Love to sing and dance(and do both of them like a loser tbh), Am playing it cool but want someone to come across this even like 4o0 years in future is fine, I’m a sarcastic antisocial person who can flick you off with just my aura MIND YOU. And finally one most important thing

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Until Next Time,

With love disguised as Sarcastic comments (except it’s rarely a disguise)

—–LEIA