The Bad Luck Phenomena

I was top off by saying I am very scientific person. I do not believe in spiritual forces. Universal Energy maybe ( to be explained by strung theory, mind you) but nothing that I can’t see or doesn’t have a scientific explanation. I don’t even believe in God for the same reason.

I hope that clears my standpoint on things that are not logical like sunsigns or destiny or Luck. See that capitalisation? It’s not random.I do not believe that such a thing as luck exists except I do now.

See, I have been a clumsy person all my life and my parents never gave me much freedom to get some real harm done, so I thought I got hit and fell down all the time because I was clumsy and that summarised all my childhood problems and there was that.

But I am a fully functional adult now with real freedom and chance at having real fun except I rarely can. My bad luck has a nasty habit of coming in the way.

Everytime that I do anything even remotely resembling fun, the thought only has to enter my mind ‘This was a good time’ and life will push the fuck over button.

At the beginning , being the person of almost no self worth as I am, I thought that this was all my fault but I thought how come when my friends did the same things that I did, did so without any karma hit back from the universe whereas I only had to forget to put on a helmet once and get paralyzed for life from neck down only 3 mins after starting driving (metaphorically of course, I have never not worn a helmet, I am NOT giving the universe a chance)

They said I had bad luck and I refused to believe it.

I decided to extra careful and do things right but the Universe does not mess around when it “blesses” someone with bad luck.

Shit got real when I did things with extra precautions and still got screwed while my friends walked away with the most reckless (and awesomely fun) things with no repercussions.

As a person who has been struggling with depression and low self esteem for quite sometime my mind also had the much fun idea of toying around with the idea that I probably deserve all the bad luck and no fun theme party that has been going on because of who I am as person.

That my friends is when things get really bad

And sad.

So to avoid all the questioning and evaluation of self worth that comes along with the wonderful set of  coincidences which are happening to me because there is a one millionth of a chance that they can, I have decided to name it as bad luck and move on.

It is so much easier to accept and has made life much simpler.

I also seem to find comfort in the fact that bad luck has made life simpler, easier and more happier. It gives me a fake sense of control over of my life( much needed by the way).

It’s also like the last ironical punch in bad luck’s face.

 

(Please the universe, nothing I said here was meant to be taken as a challenge. Especially not the last line. Okay?  Okay.)

An open letter to the person whom I didn’t know and who committed suicide

First off I wanna make sure that you know it’s isn’t one of those you had so much to live for and you didn’t have to do it posts. It isn’t one of those you could have gotten help and it was wrong of you to do it posts. 

Even I don’t know what kind of post this is.

I might be called suicidal for writing this, for these views but rest assured if anybody is reading; it isn’t like that and I don’t need counselling for this. I am not being rude, I just don’t. It’s just something I feel and neither am I promoting or encouraging people to do suicide.

I am also not trying to make the death of a person about me. Believe me it’s be the last thing I’d want to do.

Not everything is a problem. Don’t make everything that you feel afraid of into one.

Okay? Here we go.

 

Dear person,

I hope there’s an afterlife and I hope that you come across this somehow because there are some things I’d like you to know. And know that this letter is for you and you only. No hidden meanings and no metaphors. I just wanted to talk to you and this was the only way I knew how(with the whole atheist thing I have going on)

Firstly I’m sorry that you had to go through this. I don’t know what is that happened or the so many things and happened or didn’t happen. I am truly sorry.

Also I apologize for phrasing this letter this way, to the person who committed suicide. As if that’s the only thing you did in your life.I just didn’t know how to phrase it differently.

Since I am assuming that there is an afterlife and you are around and so are reading this I am sure you heard a lot of things about you. You must have seen a lot of extreme reactions and heard numerous opinions. Opinions that were so strong and so hurtful that it made me motivated to reach out to you. I can only imagine how hurt you’d be.

I don’t think that just because you are dead people are allowed to hurt you.

I want you to know that I don’t think that you are weak. I don’t think you were a coward and I refuse to believe that you were a terrible person for doing this.I refuse to blame you for the misery that people say you caused to the people that loved you and are grieving for you now. Know that I don’t commend you for doing this. Nor am I angry or upset. Simply because I didn’t know you.

I can’t be a judge of if what you did was right or wrong. I can’t be the judge of this because I will never know what you were going through and I don’t know how much it hurt. It could have gotten better but I also know that sometimes it hurts too much to hold on.

It’s Okay.

I just wanted you to know that I know that you tried as hard as you could. You are not weak.

I want you to know that I know that you gave it everything you had and on days it was hard for you to move a finger but you still did it and You are brave for that. You are not a coward.

I wanted you to know that I am sure you tried to shield the ones you love from this tragedy  for as long as you could. I am sure you tried to be good. You’re not a terrible person.

I want you to know that I will never condemn you for causing pain to the ones that are grieving for you now. Yes, You might have scarred them. Scars that can never be healed. You might have even given some blows that might break some people. Those people might have tried to help you because they loved you and they might have nothing to do with why you did it but that doesn’t make it your responsibility to take blame for their actions. I  am sure that you would have most certainly tried to live for them but somethings you can’t help.

I believe in you for all this things because life is indeed beautiful and it takes a lot to leave it all behind. It is the most difficult thing that you must have ever had to do.

I refuse to believe that those people who are saying these things have any right to be saying them. They didn’t know how you suffered. And you don’t know how they will.

And honestly how can one person truly know the pain of another.

How can somebody even say that my pain is greater than yours?

We are all wired differently.

No one will ever know what I feel and Who I am truly.

This might all feel a whole stunt to attract attention and me being melodramatic since I didn’t know you and it shouldn’t affect me this much but it does. It does and there’s nothing that anyone can say that will make it less relevant.

All said and done, I wish it makes you feel better. Afterall just because you are dead doesn’t mean you don’t matter. Does it?